Thursday, January 28, 2010
I never told you how mad i am
One of my very best friends growing up came out after high school. We had been friends since we were 13 i knew all the things he liked and hated, i knew if there was even the slightest change in his mood. 7 years of friendship. 7 years of phone calls and sneaking out, 7 years of movies and fights, 7 years of crying and holding my hand.
When he decided to come out i had already known for months. He was acting so different. He couldn't even say the words out loud to me. I took his hand and told him i already knew and it wasn't going to change how much i loved him. He was going to be whoever he wanted to be and i was going to love him just as much if not more. I held his hand as we told our friends. I held his hand when his parents found out.
I never got the chance to tell him how much it hurt me. To see him turn into a completely different person. Its as if he googled "how to be gay" and followed it religiously. After two months of coming out he had started hitting on my younger brother, smoking, doing drag, and buying pot from my older brother. He started doing all of the things that went against being him. I stood by him and defended him to our friends. I wanted to understand why he was leaving himself behind to be someone he thought he had to be. I wanted to grab the cigarette out of his mouth and scream "what the hell are you thinking?"
I feel like i am an open person, it takes a lot to make me cringe. But hearing "Gay J" tell me that he had always wanted to sleep with my boyfriend and how much he wants to blow my brother was to much. I pushed myself away and he seemed more then eager. I hate to think that i was holding him back from being who he really wanted to be. Its not that i hate gay people i understand that you fall in love with the person and sometimes you just cant stop yourself. But when a group of people become all the same thing it makes me sick. Not all black people are gangsters, not all Jews are cheep. Not all Gay people like to wear make up.
Letting go of who you really are is the worst thing to me.
The moment you put down your Led Zeppelin album and picked up the Brittany Spears cd you let go of who you were. Lets stop pretending that either of us want anything to do with the other. Your not the only one who can change.
Posted by Reilly at 11:05 AM
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3 comments:
Hey, Miss Behavin'--
Great post. Don't worry, I'll always be myself. I WROTE the damn article on "how to be a hot smart MILF with a hidden agenda to control the world and make everyone put the dishes in the dishwasher." Google it.
--Atilla the Honey
But if someone gave me a billion dollars, yeah, I'd probably change who I was.
Kidding. Kind of.
It always makes me feel so old when people I still think of as cute kids grow up. :) I'm so right there with you, and disliking the stereotype of the preference isn't disliking a people. A person, well, that's a different story. That sort of change would make me dislike a person, too. Loving your blog, btw...
I can't count how many times in the last year and a half this has been up that I've read this and tried to understand it. I can see why you are hurt, but I never understood why you put up such blatant lies. Yes, its true I may have hit on your brother once or twice, but I never meant anything by it. Never ment to hurt you and I listened to you when you told me to back off.
I find it appalling that you are mad at me for smoking cigarettes when you know very well that you bought me my first pack bafore I turned 19. We were both going through very difficult times. you and adam had your issues and I had my coming out, dropping out of school, my grandmother passing away, and me moving back home with my parents. We smoked almost that whole pack together and you gave me the rest of them. That was one of the most amazing and relaxing days of my life up to that point.
As far as becoming "gay J" goes, I was always that way on the inside. The last time I saw you, yes, I was wearing eyeliner and foundation. I was still figuring out who I was and definitely going through a phase where I wanted to be like other people like me. Trying new things is not a crime. You were the first person who watched movies like To Wong Foo and Breakfast on Pluto with me. You introduced me to the life I had always wanted to lead, but was too scared to admit. I am a better person because of you.
I think you know deep down that I am the same person. And I would like you to know that I've never put down my Led Zeppelin album. It sits in my collection with No Doubt, The Beatles, Lady Gaga, and Madonna. I was always too scared to let myself look gay, let alone be gay around anyone. I didn't even say it out loud to myself until after my parents knew. And no matter what I will always love you for the friendship and support you gave me through all those years. I never ever wanted to hurt you in any way, shape, or form.
But in the end, I hope that you can have it in your heart that if we happen to bump into eachother one day we can catch up and laugh. Or at least you can throw me a smile. That's all I've ever wanted from you anyway.
With much love forever,
Justin a.k.a. uncle Gay J. <3
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