Truth Tellers! Issue #1

I woke up. I woke up for the second night in a row standing in our bathroom. I've never been one for sleep walking. Standing in the dark it took me several seconds to finally figure out where i was. Standing before the mirror gripping both sides of the sink. Avoiding the mirror i noticed the scissors that i always kept in the bottom drawer laying on the counter.
I remembered the day i bought them. It was cold and raining, we had been planning on cutting your hair. I wanted you to go to a salon, you told me once you got the job we would go to the salon every week. At the time we were the poorest and most in love. Struggling together.The only picture in our studio apartment was the one your mom took of us, she had snuck up on us as i had climbed onto your lap needing to feel your whole body against mine on your parents porch swing. You told me that was the only art we needed that it was silly to get expensive art that neither of us could understand.
We skipped two meals so we could buy the ones meant just for hair. Your hair was so long. We sat in the pale light of the kitchen debating whether or not to keep it long. It was late, i had been pacing our small space for hours waiting to hear if you got the job. Your smile was so big as you rushed to me. We celebrated by making love on the kitchen floor.
Running my hands through your long hair for the last time i think that's when everything changed. If i would have known i would have never cut it. I would have pushed you back on the floor and made love to you until our bodies couldn't anymore. You changed as i cut your hair short. You became a man with a job, a man with a five year plan. A man with plans of moving up in the world.
It was two months later that the strip turned pink and i was carrying your child, that was the same day you got your promotion. I think i know which one you were more happy about. You never knew but i kept a peace of your long hair. I tied it and put it in one of the three books we had owned at the time. We have a library now. You bought it for me after we lost the baby.
So long ago. Now you laid in our huge bed fast asleep, and i was awake again. Looking in the mirror i saw a face i didn't recognize. My long hair tangled and wild around my face. I picked up our scissor. The cheap ones we bought in the store under our crappy studio apartment. It was raining that day and you pulled me outside to have a kiss in the rain, whispering to me how much you loved me as the water washed the city clean.
The darkness around me was suffocating. I shut the bathroom door so not to wake you and flipped the light on. Picking up the scissors i cut. I cut and i cut. My hair fell all around me just like yours had. I felt the weight begin to lift off my heart as i cut away the fights we had had, and the silent dinners. I cut away the night you didn't come home, and the look on your face when you did. I cut away your job and our retirement plan. I cut away my pain from the miscarriage. I cut until there was nothing more.
Turning off the light i waited for my eyes to adjust to the ever present darkness. Leaving my hair everywhere i left our huge apartment with expensive art hanging on our walls, you still asleep in our bed.

Hard nights sleep

Let me say ahead of time yes this is another "oh who am i" post... its my blog i will moan if i want to.

Today is a school day. i have my first class at 8 in the morning. To prepare myself i went to bed at 10:30 because i know that i wont get up unless i get the sleep. I got the sleep and i still couldn't get out of bed. i watched my alarm go off singing some happy Regina song and i let it play as i pulled the covers over my head. I love my classes i really really do. I have an amazing kick boxing class that makes me feel so healthy and fun and i have it with one of my all time favorite people. I have a film class where all i do is watch movies and write how I feel about them. I am learning all the things i have always wondered about. My stress management class is actually teaching me to stop and smell the flowers, i have friends in that class who look forward to seeing me and laugh when i say my stupid sarcastic comments. Art History is fantastic i am loving it so much (not as much today because i have a test)

Why don't i get out of bed to start a day i know will be fantastic? Am i setting myself up to be angry or guilty? I am sick of feeling under the weather.

I never told you how mad i am

One of my very best friends growing up came out after high school. We had been friends since we were 13 i knew all the things he liked and hated, i knew if there was even the slightest change in his mood. 7 years of friendship. 7 years of phone calls and sneaking out, 7 years of movies and fights, 7 years of crying and holding my hand.

When he decided to come out i had already known for months. He was acting so different. He couldn't even say the words out loud to me. I took his hand and told him i already knew and it wasn't going to change how much i loved him. He was going to be whoever he wanted to be and i was going to love him just as much if not more. I held his hand as we told our friends. I held his hand when his parents found out.

I never got the chance to tell him how much it hurt me. To see him turn into a completely different person. Its as if he googled "how to be gay" and followed it religiously. After two months of coming out he had started hitting on my younger brother, smoking, doing drag, and buying pot from my older brother. He started doing all of the things that went against being him. I stood by him and defended him to our friends. I wanted to understand why he was leaving himself behind to be someone he thought he had to be. I wanted to grab the cigarette out of his mouth and scream "what the hell are you thinking?"

I feel like i am an open person, it takes a lot to make me cringe. But hearing "Gay J" tell me that he had always wanted to sleep with my boyfriend and how much he wants to blow my brother was to much. I pushed myself away and he seemed more then eager. I hate to think that i was holding him back from being who he really wanted to be. Its not that i hate gay people i understand that you fall in love with the person and sometimes you just cant stop yourself. But when a group of people become all the same thing it makes me sick. Not all black people are gangsters, not all Jews are cheep. Not all Gay people like to wear make up.

Letting go of who you really are is the worst thing to me.

The moment you put down your Led Zeppelin album and picked up the Brittany Spears cd you let go of who you were. Lets stop pretending that either of us want anything to do with the other. Your not the only one who can change.

Pictures that make me ever so happy

Thanks ColorMeKatie for being such an amazing artist, you inspire me daily!

PARIS AMOUR

After many years of having the same Kill Bill poster in my room (the only thing even remotely like art in my room) I have decided to get rid of the old and start a new. Uma will have to find a new wall to have her revenge, because i am turning French (and we all know that the French never plan revenge) I am going to turn my room into a Paris room. I have many pictures that i am going to post let me know what you think, and if you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know because i do not have a decorating bone in my body and plan on using Crystal and Lindsay for most of the creative ideas!

Here are some great pictures of PARIS....

Oh the

streets of Paris!

If i don't clean my room soon i think something like this might happen....

Dear UVU,

As i am very glad that you have become a university (after many years of torment) and are on your way to getting a foot ball team (trying). I would like to make a formal complaint, you need a moving walkway that starts at the library and goes all the way to the effing top of the Gunther Tech building, which is practically on the other side of Provo Canyon. Now i love putting thousands of dollars into my education even if its just teaching my self, but how about i get a say on what my money goes to. NO we do not need another stupid statue of a pioneer! so what if they paved the way to utah BIG FREAKING DEAL! Uvu wasn't even built until the 70's.

Lets get started on this right away so it can be done by (the very least) 2042.

with love,

tired of getting blisters.

Things i am LOVING about 2010

2009 was a great year, but i am not interested at all in dwelling in the past, these are my favorite things so far about this new year.....

• Was forced (not against my own will) to watch and love House.

• Started a Kick Boxing class with Crystal.... we plan on busting some moves.

• I love love love that Finley can smile and interact with every one, i love the way her head fits just perfectly under my chin as she sleeps for four hours straight. I love her fuzzy hair, i love that her eyes are the same color as mine, I love her face when she gets in the warm water at bath time, I just love everything about her.

• I read the BEST book in about 2 days because i couldn't put it down, Its called The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder, by Rebecca Wells. She also wrote the Ya-Ya sister hood and Little Altars everywhere. This book made me laugh out loud, it made me cry to the point of shaking and haggard breathing, and yes i know how cliche that sounds. I will be buying this book as soon as possible and reading it over and over again. If you have the chance READ it ASAP.

• On the same topic of books i got my somewhat illiterate (love ya) roommate Miss Kate to read! and here is the kicker.... SHE actually enjoyed it!!!
• Onto movies... oh so many i have watched and loved and its only been 2 weeks in.... i have narrowed it down and i have decided that my two favorite of the year (again so far) have to be Away We Go, with John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph and 500 Days of Summer staring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel.

• 

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Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In....

Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings. I truly understand why they call it Falling in love now. From the second i knew that this baby girl was coming into our lives i knew i would love her. But seeing her for the first time and holding her head as she slept in my arms making her cooing noises that only she makes i fell. I fell hard for this beautiful girl. It really is like having a first crush. Her every move and noise just makes my heart sing.
I can say without a doubt that Finley Mae is the most loved baby in all the world.